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To Fight a Mascot: A Scientific Study

To Fight a Mascot: A Scientific Study

Ryan Stivers (@ryanMstives)

So you’ve found yourself in a worst-case scenario. In order to continue living life, Norse trickster God Loki has given you a challenge. He has devised the ultimate battle for you to face, you must fight fifty duck sized versions of any NBA mascot. But Loki has some rules for your challenge as to not make it easy, so who do you choose? Lucky for you, this article exists.

RULE NUMBER ONE – NO INANIMATE OBJECTS

This rule is to avoid choosing anything that couldn’t fight back. It knocks out a pretty good amount of choices right away. We Lose:

  • Nets
  • Mavericks
  • Nuggets
  • Pistons (Yeah the logo is a horse but it’s Detroit, Piston in great scope more than likely means the car part.)
  • Rockets
  • Pacers (Still no clue what a Pacer is)
  • Clippers
  • Lakers
  • HEAT
  • Knicks
  • Thunder
  • Magic
  • 76ers
  • Blazers
  • Spurs
  • Jazz

Teams left – Hawks, Celts, Hornets, Bulls, Cavs, Warriors, Grizzlies, Bucks, Wolves, Pels, Kings, Raps, Wizards.

RULE NUMBER TWO – LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY

Loki has also dictated that your choice in this battle for life, your choice must be of reasonable danger, “is there a real threat you may lose?”

With this rule we now lose:

  • Celtics
  • Cavs
  • Warriors
  • Kings
  • Wizards

Basically, all of these get tossed out because more or less the fight would just be fifty tiny humans attacking you with either smoking pipes, little swords or (probably?) a bunch of two-year-old Harry Potters. Really the point of this was to eliminate mythical creatures and tiny baby fights.

Teams Left – Hawks, Hornets, Bulls, Grizzlies, Bucks, Wolves, Pels, Raps

RULE NUMBER THREE – Can’t choose ones that are already similar in size to a duck

This cuts out:

  • Hornets (stretch, but more than likely they exist and no one should want to see them.)
  • Pels
  • Hawks

Teams left – Bulls, Grizzlies, Bucks, Wolves, Raps

With these three rules in play and only five teams to choose from, let’s rank them.

NUMBER FIVE – Raptors

Size – 1.5 ft high – 6.5 ft long

Weight – 33-43lb

This would by far and away be the worst. Fifty duck sized extinct carnivores relentlessly attacking you sounds like a nightmare. The only plus side is that in the Lost World we all learned that raptors can be defeated by some smooth gymnastic skills, so if you can utilize a high low bar, you may move this into your top three. Outside of being the next Gabby Douglas, anyone may struggle to knock down fifty bloodthirsty creatures designed to be land-bound piranhas. Raptors rank the least-beatable and that’s that.

NUMBER FOUR – Grizzlies

Size – 3-3 ½ feet width, 6-7 feet tall

Weight – 300 – 800lb (yeah, that’s an actual estimate. That’s so much variation, it isn’t even funny. Literally, I can’t even find a joke here for it.)

As far as modern animals go, these are by far and away the most blood thirsty and ready for battle. If anyone took anything away from the motion picture Wild America it is that these animals are ready to fight at all times and that Devon Sawa was entirely underrated as a teenage heartthrob. We all owe apologies to Devon and bears the world round. (Side note, Despite Dwight Schrute’s argument for black bears, Grizzlies are the most terrifying so drop it.)

NUMBER THREE – Wolves

Size – 3 – 7 feet

Weight – 50 – 110lbs

I recently watched the film Wind River from Taylor Sheridan and despite the snub of him winning any award I took one thing away from the ability of wolves, they’re pack hunters. Even if you’re fighting fifty one third sized wolves, chances are they break off into cliques in some weird ass ‘Mean Girl’ fashion and are able to flank you at any attempt of you to survive. The only reason they rank behind Grizzlies is because they’re sort of dogs and if you can tap into your that, you may be able to domesticate them in some sort of Mowgli ala Jungle Book Fashion.

(Author’s note: The American Gray wolf was the reference for this, it was the largest in North America and what should be assumed to be the most blood thirsty. Like Chuck Bronson in Death Wish.)

NUMBER TWO – Bulls

Size – Not sure, every Google or Yahoo search gave answers for Pit Bulls, which doesn’t help here.

Weight – 1,100 – 1,500lbs

Most people don’t have much interaction with Bulls, by the by they aren’t something that any non-Spaniard deal with on a day-to-day. While we have steer, steer are quite docile. Anyone who has seen footage of Bulls overseas should know not to mess with Bulls but in the rank of this, they are the second-least terrifying. Outrunning Bulls in this situation would be a walk in the park, literally, you should be able to walk and be just fine. You have to assume of course they move at the pace of about a standard Canadian goose, while aggressive, waddling will be a factor because of the awkward shape. This is a winnable battle.

NUMBER ONE – Bucks

Size – 3 – 7ft

Weight – 100lbs

They’re deer. Literally, deer. That’s it. Louis C.K. once referred to these as “giant rats.” Do not waste time, do not over think this, this is the choice. All joking aside, this should have been the choice from the get. If you have to battle Loki in an NBA mascot fight, this is the answer.